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By Bob Scheinfeld
As
you may know, ten years ago, I worked with Tony
Robbins for three years. My favorite event during
those years was a 3-day program called "Unlimited
Power." That event had many very powerful
components to it, but I was recently reminded
of one exercise we did at the event that I found
particularly powerful and I wanted to share
it with you today.
The
exercise was called "Love Strategies."
The
core concept behind the exercise is that all
of us desperately want to feel loved, yet we
all have different "strategies" for
what it takes to actually feel totally and completely
loved.
As
you may also know, Tony's original work flowed
from the science of neuro-linguistic programming
(NLP) which teaches that there are three primary
modes of communication we all use:
1.
Visual (what we see)
2.
Auditory (what we hear)
3.
Kinesthetic (what we feel)
In
the Unlimited Power program, we taught that
Love Strategies flow along the lines of those
three modes of communication too. Some people
have Visual strategies for feeling loved, some
have Auditory strategies, and others have Kinesthetic
strategies.
What
do I mean by that? It breaks down like this:
Visual
Love Strategy
People
who have this strategy need to "see"
that you love them. Seeing it takes the form
of receiving flowers or gifts, unexpected thoughtful
acts (like a special romantic evening or getaway,
a massage, a day of pampering, etc.). People
with this strategy need to see "evidence"
or "proof." Does that make sense?
Auditory
Love Strategy
People
with this strategy need to hear the words "I
love you" (or similar words) to feel totally
and completely loved.
Kinesthetic
Love Strategy
People
with this strategy need to be touched in certain
ways or in certain places to feel totally and
completely loved. It might be massaging the
scalp a certain way, kissing a certain spot
under the neck, rubbing an ear just so, etc.
It should be noted that this strategy rarely
if ever involves touch of a sexual nature.
During
the Unlimited Power program, we also taught
that if you don't know what your significant
other's Love Strategy is, and if you don't use
it on a regular basis, they'll never feel totally
and completely loved by you, no matter how many
times you use another strategy. And ultimately,
that's not good for a relationship.
Now,
before I continue, I must add that we all like
being "told" we're loved using all
3 strategies, but we all have one that's our
preferred mode, one mode that really "does
it" for us and has the most powerful impact.
When
I first did the Love Strategy exercise, I discovered
that I had a Visual Love Strategy, which meant
that you could tell me you loved me all day
long, touch me in all kinds of ways, and while
I might think those gestures were nice, they
wouldn't really make me feel totally and completely
loved unless you did something to "show"
me. Since I didn't have many people around me
at the time, or during my childhood for that
matter, who used a Visual Love Strategy with
me, I rarely felt totally and completely loved.
Since
I knew my strategy before marrying my wife,
Cecily, and since I told her about it, she can
use it to make me feel as loved as she wants
me to feel.
That's
very important. In fact, one of the times in
my life I felt most loved was a few years ago
when Cecily took me on a surprise trip to Key
West, Florida for my birthday. She spent hours
researching and choosing the best bed and breakfast
to stay in. She planned out special dinners,
set up massages for me, rented bikes for us
to ride all over the island, and a bunch of
other things. Plus, she paid for all of it with
her own money which was no small gesture. Then
she allowed the weekend to unfold in mysterious
ways, not telling me anything in advance. The
fact that she "showed" me her love
in such a powerful way was amazingly impactful
on me. I'll never forget it - or how I felt
the entire time we were there.
Similarly,
since we eventually did the exercise together,
I know what Cecily's Love Strategy is and can
use it to help her feel totally and completely
loved too. This helps our relationship in major
ways - for obvious reasons.
Here
are a few guidelines you can use to determine
your Love Strategy and the Strategy of your
significant other. The guidelines should be
used by both partners, even though I word them
below just from your perspective:
1)
Ask your partner the following question, using
these exact words: "In order to feel totally
and completely loved, do you need to hear the
words, 'I love you?'" If you get a no,
repeat the question with the next Strategy:
"In order to feel totally and completely
loved, do you need to be touched in a certain
way?" If you get a no, repeat the question
with the third Strategy: "In order to feel
totally and completely loved, do you need to
see it through actions?" In each case,
ask your partner to say yes or no and tell you
the answer that first pops into their mind.
No thinking or analyzing. Then test it. If they
said they need to hear it, experiment with telling
them in the weeks that follow and notice the
impact it has.
The
same goes for the other strategies. The trickiest
one is the Kinesthetic Strategy since you'll
need to dialog and experiment to find the special
spot and the special way to touch it. Sometimes
your partner knows and can tell you, and sometimes
you have to experiment until you find it. If
you don't discover the Strategy using this method,
try repeating the questions at another time
when you're both more relaxed and focused, or
go on to the following options to discover the
Strategy, or to look for the clues that'll lead
you to the Strategy.
2)
Ask your partner: "What do you desire from
me above all else?" This may lead directly
to the Strategy - or provide great clues.
3)
Ask yourself: "What have I most often requested
from my partner?" This may lead directly
to the Strategy - or provide great clues.
4)
Ask your partner: "What have I most often
noticed as missing in my relationship?"
This may lead directly to the Strategy - or
provide great clues.
5)
Ask your partner: "What does my partner
do that hurts me most deeply?" Sometimes,
what causes a hurt like that gives a major clue
to the Love Strategy too, since it's may be
the opposite of the Strategy.
6)
If you're an Invisible Path to Success or 11th
Element veteran, use the System to ask for help
to uncover the Love Strategies for you and your
significant other.
Take
the time to discover your Love Strategy today,
and that of your partner. I can't tell you how
much of a difference it makes in your relationship
and in your own emotional "quality of life."
By
the way, most of the content in this article
came from the Tony Robbins program I talked
about. I recently discovered a new book, however,
that covers this subject in detail. It's called
"The Five Love languages" by Gary
Chapman. It's available from Amazon here:
http://www.ultimatelifestyleacademy.com/languages.html
There's
also a version of the book for discovering the
"love language" of your kids.
For
more helpful hints about making love relationships
really "sing," be sure to get this
resource if you don't have it already. It's
fantastic:
http://www.ultimatelifestyleacademy.com/solution.html
